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  We glare at each other, the air thick with tension.

  “What is your deal with Lily? You’re just friends, yet no other guy can talk to her?” Garrett demands.

  “Oh, guys can talk to her.” I lean forward. “Just not you.”

  “You’ve always been a dick, Grayson, you know that?”

  “And you’ve always been an arrogant prick who thinks he can get whatever he wants.”

  Garrett smiles, but it isn’t a nice one. “I can.”

  My face burns and my vision blurs for just a second. “You do one thing to harm Lily and I will kill you,” I say slowly, growling the words.

  “Threats now? You never quit, do you?” Garrett shakes his head, turning away.

  “Not threats, Garrett. Promises. Always promises. Remember that.” He shoots me a look of utmost dislike before disappearing into the other room.

  I find a plastic cup and fill it with water from the faucet, taking a sip. Fucking sorry excuse for a host.

  ***

  I’m in the back of the room, leaning against the wall with my glass of water and all the other social butterflies. The room is large with vaulted ceilings and beige walls. The furniture, red and expensive-looking, has been pushed along the walls to allow room for dancing. Voices are louder and rowdier than an hour ago; the dance moves more sexual than when I first got here. Alcohol: the thing that can dumb anyone down.

  My eyes are locked on Lily. She is laughing with Mia, dancing in the middle of the living room. Her dark hair partially covers her face as she moves to ‘Locked Out Of Heaven’ by Bruno Mars. I want to drag her from the room for dancing so seductively to a song about sex, something she will never know anything about, unless it’s with me. I roll my eyes at my own idiocy. Lily will know about sex, some day, and it will never be with me. A tick forms in my jaw and I toss back the rest of my lukewarm water.

  “Let me guess—vodka straight?”

  I start, glancing to my left. A smile forms to my lips. “Ben. What the hell are you doing at such a loser party?”

  “Well, I knew you’d be here.” He shrugs. Ben’s dark brown hair is spiked and he smells like he bathed in cologne. SpongeBob Squarepants idiotically grins at me from the front of his white shirt and his jeans are torn. He’ll have girls flocking to him within minutes. I seriously don’t understand what it is about him. The guy’s a slob.

  “Thanks.” I salute him with my empty glass.

  He taps his can of Busch Light to it. “Mia wants me.”

  I give him a look. “What else is new?”

  His eyes on the people dancing, or more specifically, Mia, Ben says, “I might let her have me. For a little while.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t think you want to get involved with that. Just saying.”

  Mia and Lily are heading toward us, Mia in the lead, eyes locked on Ben. Lily’s skin is flushed and her eyes sparkle. I swallow with difficulty. Then she smiles at me and I forget to breathe for a second.

  “Yeah, ‘cause you’re an expert on girls and relationships.” He nods his head toward Lily.

  I glance at him, but his attention is on Mia. Does everyone know?

  “Hi, Ben,” Mia purrs, patting his cheek. She leans against his arm—I think to remain upright more than anything, and begins to flirt. She tugs him toward the makeshift dance floor and he doesn’t protest.

  “Grayson!” Lily exclaims, throwing her arms around me and knocking me off balance.

  I struggle to balance us, smelling something strong and wrong on her. I grab her arms and gently push her away, studying her face. “You feeling okay, Lily?”

  Her eyes are slightly unfocused and she sways toward me when she says, “Of course! I feel so happy, Grayson. I love you; you know that, don’t you?” Lily lifts a hand and touches my right eyebrow. “And your eyebrow that always lifts up. I’m so jealous. But I even love that.”

  I tuck those words away to dwell on later, even though I know she doesn’t mean them, not in the way I want her to at least. “Have you been drinking?”

  She shakes her head, strands of her hair brushing my face. “No. Wait. Yes. Punch. Just punch, Grayson. I like punch. It’s really good.” Lily shoves the glass under my nose. “Here. Try some.”

  The scent of alcohol wafts up to me and instant rage shoots through me. I yank the cup out of her hand. “Who got this for you?”

  Her brows lower. “I don’t know. Why? Are you mad because no one got you any? I can get you some.”

  “I thought—“ I stop, inhale deeply, and start again. “I thought you were getting your own drinks?”

  “Uh-huh. I did. I think. I don’t remember.” Lily grabs at me, knocking the almost empty cup from my hand. It lands on the red couch beside me, coating a large circle of it in pink liquid and darkening the fabric. At least it will blend in. “I want to dance with you.” She shakes my hands. “Come on, let’s dance.”

  I grind my teeth together. “Was it Garrett?”

  Lily bumps into me, her neck craned back to meet my eyes. “No. It was always you.”

  I frown. “Did Garrett get you any drinks?”

  With a shrug, Lily drops my hands and slowly turns away. Her voice is faint as she says, “I don’t know. I’m going to dance some more.” She tips too far to the right and I lunge for her, catching her before she falls. Lily looks up at me, laughing. I hold her that way, staring at the beauty of her. She goes still, her eyes suddenly focused, piercing; more gray than blue as they gaze into mine. “Do you love me, Grayson?”

  I know Lily is drunk. But I take a shuddering breath as I reply anyway, “I do. So much.”

  Lily smiles sweetly just before her eyelids shut and her body goes limp in my arms. I briefly hang my head, forcing myself into a mask of control I really don’t feel, and heft her small frame higher up in my arms. I tip my head toward her chest, somewhat relieved at the steady beat of her heart, but not enough to calm me down.

  Worry and anger war inside me. My body tightens with foreboding. She never drinks. I don’t know how much she drank within the last hour. Maybe it was hardly anything, but since she isn’t used to drinking, it affected her so strongly. Or maybe it was too much and she has alcohol poisoning. That last thought makes me go cold.

  I search the room for Mia or Ben, finding neither. I do find Garrett. He frowns when he notices me, quickly moving toward me. I meet him halfway, snarling, “Did you put something in her punch?”

  “What’s wrong with Lily?” he asks at the same time, his eyes locked on her face.

  “Did you?” I demand; all my muscles coiled.

  His eyes lift to mine. “No. Is she okay?”

  “She drank punch. That’s it. She’s passed out and you better pray she is okay.”

  Garrett’s face darkens and I am already out the door when the music cuts off and he shouts, “All right, assholes! Party’s over!”

  “Lily, wake up.” I purposely jostle her as I hurry for my car, trying to get a response. Her head rolls limply back and forth along the arm under her neck. The cold air is stinging as I race through it, chilling my cheeks and Lily’s exposed skin. “Come on, Lily. Wake up.”

  My heart is racing as I gently lay her in the grass beside my car. I yank the door open with a shaking hand and grab the bottle of water I left in the car earlier. Dropping to my knees beside her, I uncap the bottle and pour it directly on her face.

  Lily gasps awake, sputtering and choking as she jerks upright. Her face wet, hair stringy around her face, she glares at me. “What did you do that for?” she shrieks.

  My heart is pounding too hard and the relief I feel makes me speechless. I grab her to me, pressing my face against her wet hair. Tremors go up and down my body as I clutch her to me. “I was so worried,” I say in a rough voice.

  “Why? What happened? My head hurts,” she moans.

  I start laughing.

  “It’s not funny, Grayson! It really hurts.” Lily shoves at me when I laugh harder. “Stop laughing at me!”
<
br />   “Someone spiked the punch. How much did you drink?”

  “I don’t know. Half a glass.”

  I give her a dubious look. “Half a glass? Really? You lightweight.”

  “You’re right. I should strive to better myself in that area, become a pro.”

  I stiffen, my lips pressing into a thin line. “You better not. I’ll kick your ass if you do.”

  Lily is shivering in the grass, her arms crossed. “Did you have to throw water in my face?”

  “It was either that or take you to the E.R. I thought it was a good idea to try that first.”

  “Drunk for the first time and it wasn’t even by choice,” she mutters, bracing a hand against the car to stand. I help her up. “Thank you. For—” Lily gestures to herself with a grimace.

  We’re standing against the car, my hands on her waist, our faces close enough that if I lower my head just an inch or two, my lips will meet hers. “Do you feel okay?” I brush hair from her face.

  She wordlessly nods, her eyes shining, the glow of the moon reflected in them. Lily looks so beautiful, ethereal even. “Grayson—“

  I lower my head that last inch or two. Her lips taste like fake fruit, and underneath that, a hint of her honey taste. I kiss the falseness from her lips until all that is left is Lily’s natural flavor. Her arms wrap around my neck and she presses herself against me. My breathing quickens as my heartbeat picks up and I deepen the kiss, angling my lips over hers just right. I can feel her heart racing against my chest and it is dizzying to me, knowing I’m doing that to her.

  A voice, small and annoying, tells me I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing—not with my best friend, not with Lily. I ignore it. I can’t stop. I want to lose myself in her; I want to find myself in her. I want all of her, every bit of her there is to have, and nothing but her. My hands move to cup her face, to hold her still while my lips brand hers as mine. Lily’s fingers tighten, gently tugging my hair and she nips at my lower lip, bringing me to the point of losing control.

  “Holy shit!” is exclaimed from behind us.

  Lily and I break apart. We stare at each other, chests heaving. Her lips are swollen and her eyes are shining. Fuck. I did it again. Only this time, I want to keep doing it. Again and again. Another piece of the present just shifted into the past; another part of who we used to be is gone.

  “Uh…you guys need some privacy?” Mia asks to the left of me.

  What the fuck am I doing?

  “We’re good,” I say harshly, turning away from Lily.

  “So…we’re ready to go. If you are,” Ben says.

  “Yep.” I get into the car, slamming the door. Idiot. How could you do that, again?

  Ben leans down by the window and I hit the button to lower it. “You sure you’re good?”

  I nod brusquely, not looking at him.

  “All right.” He taps the side of the car door. “I’m giving Mia a ride home.”

  “Ben—“

  “Worry about yourself. You clearly need all the help you can get,” he cuts in, straightening and walking away.

  “Thanks,” I mutter, fingers tight on the steering wheel as I wait. The minutes tick by without Lily getting in. When I get out to find out why, it is to see her figure getting farther and farther away as she walks down the sidewalk.

  I jump from the car, jogging after her. “Lily! Wait!”

  She spins around, hands on hips. “What?”

  “What—“ I inhale and exhale deeply, trying to catch my breath, trying to think of something not completely idiotic to say. “What are you doing?” I fail.

  “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m walking home.”

  “But—why?” Again: fail.

  Her eyes burn into mine. “You know, Grayson, I always thought you were pretty smart, but where I’m concerned, you are astoundingly stupid.”

  “Really?” I cross my arms. “Why’s that?”

  Her cell phone trills off the opening music of ‘Cosmic Love’ by Florence and the Machine. She has a text. Lily yanks the phone from her pocket, scans the screen before hurriedly sending a text back, and shoves it back in her back pocket.

  “Who was that?”

  “None of your business.”

  “You’re my friend. So it is.” I’m jealous. I’m jealous of whoever just texted her and it could have been her mom or dad or her older brother Scott for all I know. I am insane where she is concerned. I’ve accepted that now. Flat-out crazy.

  Lily glares at me. “You’re right. I’m your friend. Nothing else. So it isn’t.”

  I go still. “What do you mean?”

  She shifts her feet and shows me her profile. “About what?”

  “Really, Lily? You know what. That nothing else. What did you mean by it?” When it is clear she isn’t going to answer, I go back to, “Who texted you?”

  Something in her expression changes when she meets my gaze. Clearly, slowly, Lily says, “Garrett. Happy?”

  My body heats up and I scowl. “No. Not happy.”

  “He wanted to make sure I was okay.”

  “Fine. I understand that.” I clap my hands to my forehead as I turn away from her. “But why does he have your number?”

  “I don’t know. He—“

  I whirl around. “You don’t know? So you just give your cell phone number to random guys for no reason?” I’m shouting, possibly overreacting, but I don’t feel like I am. I feel furious, betrayed, but not like I am overreacting.

  “He asked. I gave it to him. So what?”

  I grit my teeth and growl, yanking at my hair. My hands drop to my sides, a feeling of insurmountable defeat exhausting me. “What’s going on with you two? I asked you before and you said nothing. Were you lying?” I ask quietly.

  She flings her hands in the air. “What do you care?” Lily turns away as she slowly breathes, clearly struggling for control. She turns back, swallowing. “You don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me? Is that it?”

  I stutter out, “What are you—I never said—“

  “What is going on with us?” Lily interrupts in a low voice, standing under a streetlamp, glowing like an angel—or maybe a better description would be like she is on fire. The anger pulsates from her in waves of heat.

  “Nothing,” I answer quickly, closing my eyes at the stupidity of saying that word. Lily is right; I’m really dumb when it comes to her. I can’t think straight. I never do or say the right thing. I’m always hurting her or making a mess of things. I am an epic fail, to sum it up.

  Her fist punches my shoulder, knocking me off balance as my eyes fly open. “Asshole!” she shouts.

  I blink, stunned by her curse. Lily doesn’t swear.

  “What is wrong with you, Grayson? Are you intentionally blind to everything with me? And you kissing me—you can’t just do that! You can’t just kiss me and then pretend like it never happened. Because it did! Twice. And I’m…I’m going crazy wondering what it meant. Because it did, Grayson, it meant something.”

  As I study the flames in her dark eyes, the flush of pink in her pale cheeks and the way her chest rises and lowers from the force of her breaths, I decide something. What I want is Lily. But what I also want is for her to be happy. I don’t make her happy. I hurt her. I confuse her. I am so fucked up about myself that there is no way I can be anything but fucked up where she is concerned as well. I can’t keep doing this to her. And if this is what our friendship is going to be, then we can’t even have that. I will give it up; I will give up everything, for her to be okay. I will give her up, the one thing that makes me content, so I’m not able to keep doing this to her.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her. Sorry for what I’ve done and haven’t done; sorry for what I’m about to do. “I think…maybe…” I trail off, my throat going so thick I can’t form words anymore.

  “Grayson, I want us to be together,” she softly confesses.

  Those seven words are a knife to my heart. I gasp at the pain of the
m, at the longing they evoke inside me. I stare at Lily for a long moment, thinking there is absolutely no way I heard her right. She looks resolutely back at me, never flinching, never removing her eyes from mine. This is what I want. This is what I’ve always wanted. Lily wants to be with me. She wants us to be together. Joy sweeps through me almost as quickly as reality snuffs it out, sending it crashing away in a wave of sorrow. I can’t do it—I can’t shove all my issues onto Lily and wreck her with them. I won’t. I’ve already done enough, too much—I have to stop this.

  “I—“ I shake my head, stumbling back. “No. You don’t. You can’t.”

  Lily reaches for me and as I try to back away, she grabs my hands, singeing me with her touch. “Grayson, stop. Just listen to me. Stop. When we kissed—Grayson…I’ve never felt like that before. And I know I won’t again. You and me—“

  “Are friends.” I swallow around the lump protruding in my throat.

  “We’re more than that. You know we are.”

  “Lily…I can’t—“

  “Yes. You can. We can.” She tightens her grip on my hands. “There is no law stating friends can’t turn into more. It happens all the time. It’s been happening between us for a while now, but we’ve both been trying to ignore it. Only…only I don’t want to ignore it anymore. Grayson—”

  “And if it doesn’t work out? Then what? Then we hate each other?” I argue.

  “No. Then we’re friends again. But we won’t break up. I know we won’t. There is something right about us. You know there is.” Her expression is almost pleading and I cannot bear to see that look on her face. End it. The hopeless monster inside me bent on wrecking anything that could be good rears forward and I let it. I let it take over.

  “I can’t be with you!” I shout, hating myself so much in this moment. I try to pull my hands away, but Lily tightens her grip. Even now, even when she shouldn’t be, she is still tethered to me.

  “Why?” she cries, clutching my wrists, her eyes pain-filled. “Why, Grayson? Things have changed between us. We’ve changed. I don’t know when or how it happened, but it did, and…Grayson, I don’t want to just be friends anymore. I want to be more than friends. Please. Please don’t push me away. I know you have college, but that’s okay. We’ll make it work. We’ll have phone calls, texting, Skype. I want to be with you. We’ll see each other on holidays and during the summer. I know you feel the same. I know—“