Incomplete Page 15

  Drowning. I am drowning and I don’t want to be saved.

  I breathe you in, again and again, and I am not suffocating. I am full. Full of you. You swim through my veins, turning the blood into longing, turning my heartbeats into a rhythm set to you.

  Drowning. I am drowning and I don’t want to be saved.

  I am adrift in the vastness of your depths, your endless depths. You surround me. Consume me. I am not lost. I am not missing in the ocean that is you. I am found, in your eyes. In your kiss. In your smile. In your touch.

  Drowning. I am drowning and I don’t want to be saved.

  Thread yourself through my hair, wash over my body, wrap me in you. Enfold me in your arms, let me live in you, only in you. I only live when I am with you.

  Drowning. I am drowning and I don’t want to be saved. I’m already saved. In you.

  Lily tackles me, knocking the air from my lungs. She tugs my head back, straddling my hips, and devours my lips with hers. All I can do is kiss her back, my hands going to rest on her hips.

  “I love you. I love you I love you I love you I love you,” she chants as her lips skim over all the features of my face. Lily presses her cheek to mine, and I feel the wetness of her tears seep into the side of my face.

  I smooth her hair away from her face when she leans back. “I love you too. So much.” A tear drops from her face and lands on my lips. “Kiss me again,” I say, tasting the salt of her tears.

  And she does.

  The kiss soon becomes not enough, the passion thrumming through my body taking over everything else. Sensations, desire, potent and commanding, have me flip her to her back and fit my body to hers. She tugs at my shirt and I tear it over my head. Gasping for breath, shaking, and wanting her so bad, I gaze at my world. Kneeling between her legs, I slowly pull her shirt up, my lips following my hands. She’s not wearing a bra. Logic slams into me and I blink, my hand inches from her breast. I sit back, holding my head and groaning. I am aching to be inside her.

  “What’s wrong?” she asks, breathless.

  I keep my eyes closed. “Lily. You have to put your shirt back on.” My voice is pained, but nowhere near as much as my body. The bed shifts and I feel her absence as profound as the warmth leaving me with the setting of the sun.

  “Why?”

  “You parents. This…this isn’t how I want our first time to be.” I drop my hands from my face, saddened and relieved to see her shirt is back on. But the image of her with her top off—that is branded in my retinas for all time.

  She’s sitting with her back to the headboard, her eyes still dark with passion, but her expression miserable. “Fine. We’ll wait. Until tonight.”

  My pulse picks up at the same time my jaw drops. “Lily.”

  “What?”

  “It’s…” I run a hand through my already disheveled hair. “I don’t know.” I feel as miserable as she looks.

  “Do you want some gross breakfast?”

  I snort. “Well, when you put it like that.”

  “Way tempting, I know.”

  Lily gets up from the bed, offering her hand. I take it, standing in front of her and wrapping her in my arms, my chin on the crown of her head. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath.

  “I’m ready, Grayson.”

  “How can you know that?” I demand.

  “What are your reservations? Are you not ready?”

  I just look at her. I mean, come on.

  “Well then? Why can’t we?”

  I sigh and show her my back. “I don’t know. I just…I want your first time to mean something, Lily. To be special. Not dissected and planned and every detail set up in advance. I want it spontaneous and beautiful.”

  Resting her cheek on my back, Lily wraps her around me from behind. “Okay.”

  I glance over my shoulder at her, my hands covering hers. “Okay?”

  “Yeah. Just hurry up about it. I can’t take much more of this.” Lily walks around me, handing me my glasses. “Time to stuff ourselves with tasteless food. Happy Birthday to me.” Her tone is cheerful, but the look on her face just ruins it.

  We’re about to leave the room when I pause. “Salt?”

  “I almost forgot!” Lily shuffles around her room, the frantic quality of her motions amusing to me. Her head in the closet that holds her clothes, she calls out, “Got it!” There is a grin on her face as she triumphantly holds up a white saltshaker for me to see. Her face is flushed as she tries to catch her breath, her hair messy around her shoulders.

  A smile creeps over my face. “You’re adorable.”

  Lily strikes a pose. “I try.”

  Chapter 14

  I think I am dreaming, but when consciousness is complete and she is still kissing me, I know I am not. Still doesn’t explain how Lily got into my bed in the middle of the night. Her skin is so warm, soft, and scented with berries. I let her kiss me, kissing her back, running my hands through her silky hair. Straddling my hips, she pushes me into the bed and nips my lower lip.

  “Lily,” I get out around kisses, “What are you doing?”

  She sits back on her heels. “I’m seducing you. Am I that bad at it you couldn’t figure it out?”

  “No. Of course not. But now? And how did you get in here?”

  “Do you want me to go?” It’s dark and her face is a pale glow with muted features, but I can hear the hurt in her tone.

  “No. That’s not it. Just…” I sigh. “I’m going to shut up now.”

  “Good idea.”

  Minutes pass as our bodies collide, as our lips connect, and our hands are everywhere, but still not enough places. The passion threatens to pulverize all logical thought, and yet there is enough left to have me break off our kiss and say, “I have to ask…I have to be sure…this is what you want?”

  “Yes. And before you ask and I know you will, I’ve been on the pill for a couple years now and I’ve never been with anyone else and neither have you. We’re good.” Lily pauses. “Grayson. Right now, this moment, I don’t want anything else more. I promise. I want you. All I want is you.” Lily’s voice trembles and I am undone by it.

  “I love you.”

  “I love you,” she sighs.

  Pulling her back to me, sensations take over and I let them, basking in her touch, in her love. The space between our bodies is too much. Fire, intense and scorching, sears me from the inside out. I tug her shirt over her head; the feel of her chest against mine so powerful a moan leaves me. Chest to chest, I feel her heart pounding just as she feels mine. Perfect. Lily is perfect. In one fluid motion, I have her beneath me on the bed. My lips are on her mouth, her jaw, her breasts, and down to her stomach. Breaths ragged, panting, I kiss her hip, the inside of her quivering thigh, her fingers clenching my shoulders, urging me to not stop.

  I finger the strap of Lily’s thin panties, aroused to the point of unthinking. “Where are…your bottoms?” I pant.

  “Chucked them…before…I started the seduction,” she gasps, moaning when I trace a finger beneath the elastic of her underwear and palm her hip bone. Lily shimmies out of them, fully bared to me now. My hands tell me what my eyes cannot see in the dark. The slopes and mounds and silky skin are proof of her flawless mold.

  “And how is that going?” I whisper against her abdomen and feel it clench. “The seduction?”

  “I think…I need more…practice.”

  Chuckling, I place scalding lips to equally hot flesh, her incoherent murmurs egging me on, taunting me to continue what I wouldn’t be able to stop now even if I wanted to. And I don’t. With hands that shake I quickly remove my pajama pants and boxers, Lily rising on her knees to meet me when I reach for her. Our gestures war from passionate to tender to frenzied and back to slow. I explore her body in ways I have never before known a female body. Nothing has ever felt so right to me before. She was made for me. I know this. I know it as well as I know my name. It is a truth I cannot, will not, deny. It is one I embrace.

  A point comes
when the kisses and hand explorations are not enough, and when it happens, what started as a flame roars into a combustible blaze, enveloping both of us, burning us, melding us as one. This, I can get used to. This, I never want to lose. This is Lily. Bodies wet with perspiration, hearts racing, I gladly let the inferno that is Lily wrap around me and squeeze me, burning me up until I’m nothing. Her whispered, “I love you,” is what I hear just before I disintegrate.

  Another truth: This torch will never be put out, not while I have air in my lungs.

  ***

  “What are we doing here?” Lily asks as I shut and lock the door behind us, laughing when I wiggle my eyebrows at her. Her eyes narrow. “What deviant things do you have planned?”

  “What deviant things do you want me to have planned?” I flip a set of light switches and the bar is partially lit up.

  She shrugs. “You brought me to your favorite place. What do you intend to do with me?”

  “Don’t you know by now?” I slowly make my way to her, my eyes trailing up the length of her black shorts and purple tank top and fixating on her eyes.

  “Know what?” Lily swallows, fidgeting as I advance.

  “You, Lily Jacobs, are my favorite place.”

  Lily starts to reply as I grab her around the waist and spin her around, loving the sound of the giggle she lets out, loving the way she feels in my arms, just loving her. Around and around we go, until I’m dizzy, until I try to stop and stumble instead. Lily squeals, clutching my arms when I sway on my feet. I stop us with my back against the edge of the counter of the bar, each of us catching our breath.

  “Grayson, we’re in a bar.”

  “Yep.”

  “What are we doing here?”

  I look around said bar, my eyes lingering on the jukebox in the far corner of the room. “We’re going to play music.”

  “Music. Got it.”

  A grin captures my mouth. “And we’re going to dance.”

  Lily nods her head. “Dancing. Check.”

  “And maybe even sing.”

  “I am not singing, Grayson!”

  “Aw, come on. It’ll be fun. We can sing a duet, Sonny and Cher or something.”

  Something that sounds strangely like a curse is muttered by Lily and my grin deepens as I start the jukebox. ‘Here’s To Never Growing Up’ by Avril Lavigne slams through the room, causing Lily to jump.

  “Did you even ask your bosses if this was okay? Are we going to be arrested?” she shouts, cupping her mouth with her hands.

  An eye roll is the only acknowledgement her words get. I walk into the open room used for EY, stop in the middle of the room, and motion to her. “Come on. Don’t be shy.”

  Her arms uncross and she does an eye roll especially for me, but Lily is smiling. She sporadically shakes her hips as she makes her way to me, dipping backward at one point and making my mouth go dry. She defied the laws of gravity with that move. My girlfriend is awesome.

  “Okay, Grayson. You asked for it. Just remember that,” she says as she tugs the ponytail holder from her hair and shakes out the black waves. Lily messes up her hair, purses her lips, and starts jumping up and down in a circle, completely shameless as she jams out to Avril. I watch her, mesmerized and astounded, and so completely turned on it is embarrassing.

  She grabs my hands, pulling me along with her. We move together, ours hips bumping, our fingers entwining and releasing, laughing as we give in to the pull of the beat. ‘Cecilia’ by Simon and Garfunkel plays after that. I sing along, bouncing to the music, Lily grinning widely as she dances with me. Endless minutes pass with us in the throes of sound and being carefree. This moment, right now, is one I will cherish for all time. Even as I am living it, I understand the significance of this span of time. We are free, laughing, and in love.

  ***

  The days are filled with work, Lily, and Aidan, but mostly Lily. As the middle of summer approaches, there is a tightening in my chest. I don’t understand it. We’re happy. We laugh. We don’t argue, unless playfully. But something feels off. The sex is more frenzied, more often, the kisses almost painful. It feels like we’re trying to get as much of each other as we can, and I don’t know why. But it’s not just me. She feels it too. Her hand is always within mine, she is always within touching distance. Our smiles have a hint of sadness, our conversations full of all the things we want to do together—like we fear we might not get to do any of them.

  “Why the sad face? Shouldn’t you be glowing with love? You decided not to be a wimp and took a chance. You should be happy, ecstatic. Radiant.”

  I set a drink on the bar for a lady with short blond hair. She murmurs a thank you, her expression more than inviting, but I just turn away. “I am,” I say to Ana.

  Twirling a lock of hair around her finger, Ana scrutinizes me. Her microscopic black shorts are shiny and the sparkly pink top she wears adds to the latex look of her. “No. You’re not. What’s going on? You guys break up or something?”

  “No,” shoots from my mouth, short and curt. “No.”

  “Then what’s going on?”

  I whip a hand through my hair, ignoring a customer down the bar demanding a beer. “I don’t know. I just feel like…I’m waiting.”

  “For what?”

  I connect gazes with Ana. “For something bad to happen. This, Lily, all this seems too good to last.”

  “Pessimistic Grayson; can’t even enjoy happiness. That’s sad.”

  “Hey! Can I get a beer?”

  I straighten, rage shooting through me. “When I’m ready I’ll get you your fucking beer!”

  The guy sits down, looking bewildered.

  Ana slams a hand against my chest. “Not cool. Go take a breather.”

  “I’m—“

  “Now, Grayson.”

  Expelling a loud sigh, I nod, heading for the front door. The sky is overcast, the scent of rain thick. I sit on the cement steps, resting my head between my hands. What the fuck is wrong with me? Everything is perfect. Except…there are those words, those looks, of Lily’s that give me pause, that form a stain of doubt on our relationship. Doubts—they always grow. They never go away. And I can’t shake this feeling that it is all going to blow up in my face. It is just a matter of time.

  I dig my cell phone out of my pocket and hit Lily’s number. She answers immediately and the pressure in my chest loosens. “Hey.”

  “Hey to you. What’s up?”

  “Nothing. I just…I wanted to hear your voice.”

  A long pause ensues and I close my eyes, willing the silence away. In silence, there are fears. In silence, there are uncertainties. “Are you there?”

  “Of course I’m here,” Lily says quietly. “Aren’t you working?”

  “Yeah.” I sigh and remove my glasses to rub my eyes. “I blew up at a customer. Ana told me to go outside.”

  “What happened?”

  Resettling the glasses on my face, I answer, “Nothing. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you and I are good. Are we good?” A slight pause, not even a second of time, has the power of a million unanswered questions. The pressure returns in my chest. “Lily? Are we good?”

  “We’re good.” Her voice trembles and I frown. “I love you, Grayson.”

  “I love you too.”

  “I’ll see you later.”

  “Yeah.” I turn off the phone and hold it to my mouth, not reassured in the least by that brief phone call. If anything, I just feel worse.

  ***

  Something is off. I feel her slipping away. I don’t know what is causing it and I don’t know how to stop it. Lily has been subdued since she showed up to cut my hair. I’ve tried to get her to smile, to laugh, but all attempts have failed. I figure she’ll tell me when she is ready, but damn, the waiting and wondering is torture. And then she tells me and I wish I had never wanted to know what she was thinking.

  Lily sighs, setting the scissors on the kitchen counter. “This isn’t working, Grayson.”


  “So use sharper scissors.”

  I reach around and unseeingly grab at her, my hand connecting with her wrist. I tug her around to the front of me and pull her onto my lap, Lily dropping the scissors in surprise. It isn’t until she’s seated that I realize how stiff and unresponsive she is. I watch her, dread growing inside me when her eyes won’t meet mine.

  “You aren’t talking about my haircut, are you?” I ask slowly.

  Lily wordlessly shakes her head, tears spilling down her pale cheeks.

  “Then what? Lily, what is it?” Fear clutches me, makes my throat tight.

  “Us,” she croaks.

  “What about us? What are you talking about?”

  “We…we’re not…we can’t be together anymore.”

  I suck in a sharp breath. “Why?” I whisper.

  She swipes a hand across her cheeks, her expression turning fierce. “I won’t let you do this. I won’t let you stay here and sacrifice all your dreams for me.”

  “Lily, I told you, the dreams mean nothing if you aren’t with me. I can always do it later.”

  “Be like a forties wannabe rock star?” Lily shakes her head.

  “Later can be a few years from now, not twenty.”

  “Later will turn into never.”

  “I’m not leaving you.”

  She jumps from my lap and whirls around. “You have to, Grayson! Do this one thing for yourself without thinking of anyone else. I don’t want you to go. I hate the thought of not seeing you, the thought of being without you—it hurts so much. But you can’t stay here because of me.”

  I stand up, wary of the resolution emanating from her. She means this. She can’t mean this. I refuse to believe it.

  “It isn’t only for you.”

  “But it isn’t for you at all! We’ll be okay. Aidan and I will be okay. You have to do this.”

  Realization slams into me, stunning in its devastation. “You knew you were going to do this, didn’t you? All along you knew we weren’t going to be together that long. Why did you agree to be my girlfriend then?”

  “I never asked you to do this!” she cries. “To give up your dream for me. I would never ask you to do this, or expect you to, Grayson. I never wanted this,” Lily whispers.